that awkward moment

so much is running through my head right now.

i can't even grasp it all.

my chest has tightened,

and tears are filling my eyes.

it kinda sucks,

feeling like this.

wanting to cry,

but not over this.

not over such a person.

such a boy.

who left your life two months ago.

it completely and utterly and massively sucks.

all of this,

because of that awkward moment,

when you're on your other friends' facebook,

and you're glazing over the news feed,

and you come across his relationship update,

and it absolutely kills you.

we're not facebook friends for a reason.

but i had to see.

and it has to kill me!

why?

it wasn't even like that.

but to know that his life is changing,

and i know not a single detail,

i think that's what kills the most.

sucks.

really really sucks.

walk on streets of gold..

..and change the world, one complaint at a time.

i'm sick of wondering,

about who i am.

i'm done with the drama,

and words of hate.

i've just about given up,

on finding the family i long for.

i've had enough,

of being taken for granted.

i'm absolutely fed up,

with being talked over.

by looking at my heart and believing in myself,

my true identity will shine.

i'm going to speak words of life,

and change the world's view.

if i can't search for my dad,

i can pray for him.

i will make you miss me,

and i will never be pushed to the side again.

my words will not go unheard,

because i'll never let them be again.

i'm tired of not having the strength,

to push through my daily struggles.

but i will overcome my weakness through God.

as He gives me strength.

in every statement i make.

why can't i control MYSELF

i always mess things up.

i try so hard not to invest.

and then i do.

and then i get hurt.

it's the hard core truth.

and it sucks.

i told myself no,

and i went for you anyways.

it kinda sucks not getting what you want,

and not getting anywhere,

when you usually do.

lesson learned?

just say no.

and actually freaking mean it.

and the truth comes out

i've never been kissed.

simple as that.

pathetic?

ehhh.

i'm only surfacing this information

because i recently discussed this with a friend of mine.

it was a weird conversation

that ended with us both thinking

"why did we just have that conversation?"

at first

i was ashamed.

he tells me of all the girls he's kissed and been with

and i have nothing to show but a few 'relationships'

with no action.

but now,

i don't even care.

i'm proud of being that girl

who's never been kissed.

it doesn't even matter.

because when the time is right

and the person is right

the right thing will happen.

my one desire.

you wanna know what i wanna do?

i simply just want to hold your hand.

the rumors are true.

rumor number one:

good things do come to those who wait(:♥

rumor number two:

 harry potter kills voldemort.

^i ruined the end for myself by watching some harry potter youtube video..

:/

not only because i am team voldemort...

[AVADA KEDAVRA TO YOU HARRY POTTER.]

but because i wanted to read the books first..

blah.

but it was made better because of rumor number one(:

thank you sir!

holy dang; do i love life.

i can't even say many reasons why..

it'd give too much away.

and as stated by my friend,

"well it's on the internet..

can't i read it.?"

so i don't wanna go there.

but life,

is just MARVELOUS.

reason number one.?

girls retreat.!

best weekend of my life.

i pity the boys who had to go camping..

or just do other lame things.

like get their wisdom teeth out.

suckers.

no doubt.

but this was more than just a retreat.

or a time to hang out.

this was life. changing.

things were revealed and admitted.

but it wasn't just left that way.

we prayed.

and we prayed hard.

we cried hard.

and we did not hold back.

bondages were broken and healed.

hearts were changed and altered.

i can attest to both of those statements.

fun was also involved,

including a pool that looked like it came from heaven,

a massive photo shoot,

and water games.

[bobbing for water balloons.? i suggest you don't try it]

oh.!

and don't forget spelling words with your butt.

takes talent man.

trust me. 

we also learned many things.

our relationships grew,

and people from different circles came together.

we bonded.!!

thank you girl's retreat.♥

reason number two.?

friends..

new friends are good.

new friends are great.

especially boy ones.

that's all for now.

♥♥♥

one up..one down.

the past few days,

have been an emotional rollercoaster. 

and usually when people say that,

they mean it in a bad way.

but it hasn't been all day.

one up..one down.

the up..

i assisted in the creation of a cheese man.

a replica of our friend adam,

the guy in the back. :)

identical twins, right.? 

it was fun.

we laughed insanely,

went crazy with cheese,

learned smart things,

and created a party,

with just four people.

IT WAS A BLAST.

no doubt.

the down..

yesterday, was filled with tears.

ridiculous ones at that.

i was suppose to visit Grand Canyon University,

for a tour and information.

my original plan failed,

then the five after that did as well.

my entire life i've never been serious about school.

or about my future.

i started caring just a little too late.

but now i want to do something.

and be something.

but because of my past,

no one seems to take me seriously.

and i feel kinda helpless.

but if it wasn't for God,

i'd feel entirely lost.

so i'll eventually get there,

and i'll be okay.

because God has huge

plans for me.

and i just got to let Him take control.

i wanna be able to fly like a airplane, whenever i feel like it.

innocence;

the quality or state of being innocent; freedom from sin or moral wrong.

"the only things that stands in the way of my innocence, is the fact that i grew up." -me

but i still have those moments,

and it still have those days,

where it's okay to act like a child.

and bask in my innocence.

if i could take back the things i've done,

and the things i've seen,

just to hold onto my childish innocence,

i wouldn't hesitate.

i don't care about being knowledgeable,

or knowing what everyone is talking about,

i'd rather be able to be innocent,

and not even care.

but last night,

i got to act like a child.

i watched larry boy,

and sang songs about soldiers.

i pretended to be goliath, while ian was david,

constantly falling down,

because david killed the giant.

i got to run around and be airplanes,

and eat pretend cookies,

in a house i was five times too big for.

and it was just about the best fun i've had in awhile.

because i got to act like a child, with a child.

and we were both innocent,

for three hours.

♥