don't ever grow up, they said. but it's time, i said.

from the age when you're able to understand words,

till the day that your parents die,

they will tell you 

"stop growing up so fast"

"you don't want to grow up"

"don't ever grow up"

and every other variation of that saying you can think of.

one of my favorite Taylor Swift's song is titled "don't ever grow up".

it's lyrics are meaningful and real and it's full of passion.

at least to me.

i can identify with most of her songs,

and this one especially.

although i want to live out these song,

and just hold on to the idea of 'never growing up'

i know it's time too.

i want to grow up.

it's finally time.

i want to be an adult!

so the time has come.

a lot comes with growing up.

but i want to be taken seriously 

and i want to make something of myself.

so it starts with how i spend my time.

i'm working on getting a new job.

something based on my career.

focusing on life-giving relationships.

not ones that hold no future and nothing positive.

i want to start my certification class for 

wedding and event planning.

to do something productive with my days.

and lastly,

my relationship with God.

but it's really first.

I have ended my time at Trinity,

the church i grew up in 

and that shaped me into i am today.

it was a long, hard process of prayer and talks and decisions.

heart-wrenching decisions.

So much good has come from my time at Trinity,

but i need to walk away,

to become who i want to be.

I can't do that somewhere that i have this reputation of who i was.

because who i was is not something to necessarily be proud of.

with my ministry work at trinity,

my focus was on helping others grow.

now, it's time for me to grow and become the women of God wants me to be.

this journey begins with a new church,

and i have found that at City of Grace.

it's a place of power and excitement and the Holy Spirit.

i'm excited to become more involved,

and to be a part of a place where i can focus on purely God and I.

i love everyone who i have a relationship with at Trinity.

I still want everyone in my life,

and our relationships will be just as strong as ever.

but i cannot wait what God has for me for my future at City of Grace.

and just in general.

it's honestly hard for me to contain my excitement!
it's going to a crazy journey.

but once again,

i'm excited.

excited to grow up!

these mistakes that i have made

i do not regret.

i thank God for all the trials and tears.

for the hard times and the good times.

no matter how much i have hated myself,

or how physically sick i have ever been over stupid decisions,

i am grateful for the lessons i have learned.

i am excited for the mistakes to come.

for the tears i will cry.

for the pain i will endure.

because it's all a part of a plan.

it's all a part of who i am.

i am more than the choices that i make.

i am more than the sums of my past mistakes.

i am more than the problems i create.

i have been remade.

[tenth avenue north - you are more]

i have decided to just jump.

to just go with it.

to take chances.

because even if things don't work out in my favor,

there is always something for me to learn.

i vow to always walk away from every experience and situation 

with something new.

otherwise there is no point to life and these adventures i go on.

 and i wanna go on every adventure to the fullest!

thanks for the memories

i do this for me, not for anyone else.

well once again,

it has been almost a year.

i don't even know why i even i think i could keep up with this anymore.

haha

but just for kicks,

i'm going to try.

again.

reading my last post,

really screwed me up.

because the situation i talked about,

i just don't remember being then.

i just have no concept of time.

so much has changed in the past year.

a lot has come and gone.

i've grown in some aspects and not all in others.

i've learned so many lessons

and experienced so many hard times,

but i wouldn't change anything.

everything i've been through has made me who i am.

i honestly don't even know where to start.

maybe i won't.

maybe we should start from here.

and not even revisit the past.

i actually like this idea a lot.

i'll post some pictures,

so in the future i can just recall memories.

but other than that,

details aren't necessary..

so here's to a fresh start!

with a positive outlook and no bitter memories.

.

chasing cars

if i lay here

if i just lay here

would you lie with me

and just forget the world?

that is a fantastic song.

i can't stop listening it.

it reminds me of the other night,

with this really amazing guy.

all we did was lay in his driveway

and just talk.

i sincerely forgot the world.

let's waste time

chasing cars

around our heads

when he was in my car,

he was so tall,

he had to move the seat back to fit comfortably.

and like, it was intensely far back.

"whoever sat here last had a very acute spine"

and i left it as he put it,

and every time i got in the car,

i would see it pushed back

and it would remind me of him.

i'm a freak. i know.

but little things like that just make me happy!

forget what we're told

before we get too old

show me a garden that's bursting into life

but today,

when breanna got in the car,

she adjusted the seat.

i freaked out, of course.

because once again,

i'm a freak..hahaha.

but she didn't understand,

and thought i was psycho.

but it's okay.

i'll get over it.

hopefully he'll move it back to the way it was soon.

but maybe not.

all that i am

all that i ever was

is here in your perfect eyes

they're all i can see

i really hate talking to a guy.

i always end up liking them.

and i always end up hurt.

i need your grace

to remind me

to find my own

but there's these REALLY sweet other guy.

like, amazingly sweet.

and he likes me.

a lot.

and i feel like a horrible person,

because i have mr. seat man on my mind.

but mr. seat man isn't talking to me currently.

but mr. sweet guy talks to me 24/7

and is just really sweet.

and we get along so freaking well.

and i like him as well.

i think.

haha.

AHHHHHHHH.

i'm just seriously a horrible person.

i just need to stop being such a whore,

as my best friend esther would call me.

but honestly,

i'm eighteen.

i've never had a boyfriend.

i've kissed one boy.

all i do is talk to a bunch of guys at one time..

ugh.

yeah.

i'm horrible.

because i'm scared of commitment. 

and i honestly don't know if i could ever really be with any of them.

i tend to lead people on.

haha.

i feel like i'm talking like all these guys want me.

WRONG. 

like, not all.

but, whatever.

i'm just doing what i've always done.

my life never changes.

i think i've changed,

and then i come to a day like today,

where i realize i'm not this crazy, outgoing and bold person

that i thought i have become.

i'm really this weak and timid eighteen year old 

with no backbone,

who's insecure.

there's nothing like being told

that i'm insecure

and i need to be more bold.

alright, 

this entry is done.

it has too much going on.

i'm scared

i thought i knew what i wanted.

out of relationships.

they're so strenuous.

Relationship: an emotional or other connection between people

I just wanted to clarify that definition.

because when I use the word relationship,

I mean it in every context.

mother, best friend, acquaintances, crushes, adopted father.

so back to what i was saying..

relationships.

they're freaking ridiculous.

you have to walk on tip toes.

God calls us to love one another,

and to love like He did.

yet His perfect, constant, unconditional love,

is impossible for us to achieve.

and this is what makes our relationships with one another on earth,

so darn difficult.

Expectations. 

I hate expectations.

you hope to get a certain amount of love, or connection, or whatever

out of a relationship,

and you're usually let down.

it absolutely sucks.

I want to live life without these expectations.

JUST LIVE.

JUST JUMP.

sounds good to me.