chasing cars

if i lay here

if i just lay here

would you lie with me

and just forget the world?

that is a fantastic song.

i can't stop listening it.

it reminds me of the other night,

with this really amazing guy.

all we did was lay in his driveway

and just talk.

i sincerely forgot the world.

let's waste time

chasing cars

around our heads

when he was in my car,

he was so tall,

he had to move the seat back to fit comfortably.

and like, it was intensely far back.

"whoever sat here last had a very acute spine"

and i left it as he put it,

and every time i got in the car,

i would see it pushed back

and it would remind me of him.

i'm a freak. i know.

but little things like that just make me happy!

forget what we're told

before we get too old

show me a garden that's bursting into life

but today,

when breanna got in the car,

she adjusted the seat.

i freaked out, of course.

because once again,

i'm a freak..hahaha.

but she didn't understand,

and thought i was psycho.

but it's okay.

i'll get over it.

hopefully he'll move it back to the way it was soon.

but maybe not.

all that i am

all that i ever was

is here in your perfect eyes

they're all i can see

i really hate talking to a guy.

i always end up liking them.

and i always end up hurt.

i need your grace

to remind me

to find my own

but there's these REALLY sweet other guy.

like, amazingly sweet.

and he likes me.

a lot.

and i feel like a horrible person,

because i have mr. seat man on my mind.

but mr. seat man isn't talking to me currently.

but mr. sweet guy talks to me 24/7

and is just really sweet.

and we get along so freaking well.

and i like him as well.

i think.

haha.

AHHHHHHHH.

i'm just seriously a horrible person.

i just need to stop being such a whore,

as my best friend esther would call me.

but honestly,

i'm eighteen.

i've never had a boyfriend.

i've kissed one boy.

all i do is talk to a bunch of guys at one time..

ugh.

yeah.

i'm horrible.

because i'm scared of commitment. 

and i honestly don't know if i could ever really be with any of them.

i tend to lead people on.

haha.

i feel like i'm talking like all these guys want me.

WRONG. 

like, not all.

but, whatever.

i'm just doing what i've always done.

my life never changes.

i think i've changed,

and then i come to a day like today,

where i realize i'm not this crazy, outgoing and bold person

that i thought i have become.

i'm really this weak and timid eighteen year old 

with no backbone,

who's insecure.

there's nothing like being told

that i'm insecure

and i need to be more bold.

alright, 

this entry is done.

it has too much going on.