chasing cars

if i lay here

if i just lay here

would you lie with me

and just forget the world?

that is a fantastic song.

i can't stop listening it.

it reminds me of the other night,

with this really amazing guy.

all we did was lay in his driveway

and just talk.

i sincerely forgot the world.

let's waste time

chasing cars

around our heads

when he was in my car,

he was so tall,

he had to move the seat back to fit comfortably.

and like, it was intensely far back.

"whoever sat here last had a very acute spine"

and i left it as he put it,

and every time i got in the car,

i would see it pushed back

and it would remind me of him.

i'm a freak. i know.

but little things like that just make me happy!

forget what we're told

before we get too old

show me a garden that's bursting into life

but today,

when breanna got in the car,

she adjusted the seat.

i freaked out, of course.

because once again,

i'm a freak..hahaha.

but she didn't understand,

and thought i was psycho.

but it's okay.

i'll get over it.

hopefully he'll move it back to the way it was soon.

but maybe not.

all that i am

all that i ever was

is here in your perfect eyes

they're all i can see

i really hate talking to a guy.

i always end up liking them.

and i always end up hurt.

i need your grace

to remind me

to find my own

but there's these REALLY sweet other guy.

like, amazingly sweet.

and he likes me.

a lot.

and i feel like a horrible person,

because i have mr. seat man on my mind.

but mr. seat man isn't talking to me currently.

but mr. sweet guy talks to me 24/7

and is just really sweet.

and we get along so freaking well.

and i like him as well.

i think.

haha.

AHHHHHHHH.

i'm just seriously a horrible person.

i just need to stop being such a whore,

as my best friend esther would call me.

but honestly,

i'm eighteen.

i've never had a boyfriend.

i've kissed one boy.

all i do is talk to a bunch of guys at one time..

ugh.

yeah.

i'm horrible.

because i'm scared of commitment. 

and i honestly don't know if i could ever really be with any of them.

i tend to lead people on.

haha.

i feel like i'm talking like all these guys want me.

WRONG. 

like, not all.

but, whatever.

i'm just doing what i've always done.

my life never changes.

i think i've changed,

and then i come to a day like today,

where i realize i'm not this crazy, outgoing and bold person

that i thought i have become.

i'm really this weak and timid eighteen year old 

with no backbone,

who's insecure.

there's nothing like being told

that i'm insecure

and i need to be more bold.

alright, 

this entry is done.

it has too much going on.

i'm scared

i thought i knew what i wanted.

out of relationships.

they're so strenuous.

Relationship: an emotional or other connection between people

I just wanted to clarify that definition.

because when I use the word relationship,

I mean it in every context.

mother, best friend, acquaintances, crushes, adopted father.

so back to what i was saying..

relationships.

they're freaking ridiculous.

you have to walk on tip toes.

God calls us to love one another,

and to love like He did.

yet His perfect, constant, unconditional love,

is impossible for us to achieve.

and this is what makes our relationships with one another on earth,

so darn difficult.

Expectations. 

I hate expectations.

you hope to get a certain amount of love, or connection, or whatever

out of a relationship,

and you're usually let down.

it absolutely sucks.

I want to live life without these expectations.

JUST LIVE.

JUST JUMP.

sounds good to me.

Let it rain.

Last night my seester and I went over to our papa's house.

hahaha. 

that sounds so ridiculous. 

so let me explain.

this is my family..

well, my adopted family. <3

my best friend John and his beautiful girlfriend Jessica,

have adopted Breanna and I as their "daughters".

it's actually the most amazing thing, ever.

here are two amazing people who are investing their lives into ours.

it's something Breanna and I have never experienced.

words can truly not express how much we love them, and this situation.

and the fact that i have a seester, who i'm so close too,

is just amazing.

so it's just a silly situation,

but it's from God. 

:)

Holy blessings batman.

God is raining down in my life.

Never before have I been so filled with the Holy Spirit.

I am so unworthy of all the good things and opportunities He is handing me.

Whenever something is thrown at me, 

I respond through Him.

I can truly say, 

for the first time in my life,

that God is the center of my life.

Last night,

after I got home from Papa's house,

I sat in my driveway,

and just BURSTED into tears.

but they were happy, beautiful tears.

I was talking to God,

and it just hit me,

how much He loves me,

and how amazing that someone as holy and magnificent and perfect

as God,

could love me...

I can't even wrap my head around it.

you just can't.

because a love like that..

breath taking unconditional love,

is unfathomable! 

we are so unworthy,

but still He loves us.

I wish for everyone to know this love!

to experience this wonder and true happiness!

I am so excited to finally and truly have God be the center of my life.

I know it's going to be a daily reminder,

to live my life after Him,

but i KNOW I can do it.

My favorite song right now,

goes like this:

"Let my life be the proof, the proof of Your love.

Let my love look like You, and what You're made of.

How You lived, how You died.

love is sacrifice.

Let my life be the proof, the proof of Your love."

this is my prayer.

my daily want.

<3 <3 <3

Tonight.

Tonight was rough.

Satan got to me,

and broke me down.

I feel worthless and like nothing.

Like, I should take the pill bottle, and end it all.

but don't worry, I'm fine.

I know God has more for me.

He throws the hardest curve balls at His best players.

But I can't deny I was at my lowest.

I've never felt so worthless.

so empty of life.

It was probably an effect of being so tired, 

and a straight day of hard work,

and a stressful event at church.

but i was so empty,

no matter what caused it.

and honestly, there's no happy ending to this story.

at least not yet.

this is a struggle that's going to be daily.

who do i talk too?

who can make me feel worthy of life?

of living?

no one.

i have faith that God can.

but it's hard living out your faith.

I don't know a person who doesn't struggle with it.

so we'll see how this goes.

all i ask for is prayer.

i don't want people to pry

and question.

i don't want to told i can make it through whatever i'm going through,

or that i shouldn't cry.

i please just ask for prayer.

as i walk through this world,

this evil and twisted world,

and the people in it,

that make me feel like i shouldn't exist.

that i'm not worthy to be here.

that they won't phase me.

and that one day soon,

i can write a happy ending to this story.

NINE MONTHS?!

holy crap.

i haven't blogged since January.

that is way too long. 

i can't even begin to remember what has happened in that time span!

i mean,

i'll come up with some stuff.

i'll definitely let you know what's up.

right now, 

it's six in the morning,

and i'm at Breanna's house.

she's sleeping on the couch next to me.

Jonathan is on the floor passed out.

and Pete is somewhere in a bed, sleeping.

random sleepover..haha.

it's whatever!

so this,

is just a heads up post.

you best be watching.

because this is gonna be full force baby!

i'm gonna be blogging up a storm!

xoxo

If only.

All I want, is to make someone proud.

To be told that I am not a failure.

For someone to encourage me in every aspect of my life, and to except and respect the mistakes I make.

To not be treated like a ten year old, but to be trusted as the adult, I will soon be.

For once, I want to be good enough.