"even in a bad situation, there's always a positive side. even if you can't see it yet."

i lost you..but I gained God.


I wouldn't go back in time,
and change that.
EVER.
and I understand why God did this to me.


dear Lord,

you took him away, so I could find You. 
so I have You. 
and I'm never letting go. 
so can I have him back now.?

you took your words back..so i'm giving them back.

october nineteenth; 9:30 p.m.

"OK you do make me happy" ..obviously not enough for you to stick around.

november twenty-fifth; 6:58 p.m. 

 "OK your my favorite l l l l l l l l l lady" ..why would you break your favorite lady's heart.?

       november twenty-fifth; 8:07 p.m.

" I do mean it when I say I love you" ..really.? clearly not.

november twenty-fifth' 8:16p.m.

"You know i love u and care for u" ..again, really.?

november twenty-sixth; 4:39p.m.

"I just care about u thats all and yes i do trust u" ..you didn't trust me enough to believe my apology.

december twenty-eighth; 2:32a.m.

"Hmf whatever love you little sis" ..'little sis'.? how dare you.

january ninth; 10:28p.m.

"I just want to let u know that I love being friends with u and I hope we stay friends or become best friends :d" ..either you were lieing then. or you're lieing now.

january sixteenth; 4:53p.m.

"I'm sorry but im not. you will always be my best friend:) I know your jealous and worried that i would diche you. im not going to you have to know that" ..soo uhh, what happened to always being my best friend and never ditching me.?

january sixteenth; 5:04p.m.

"Yeah but youll always be my lil sister :)" ..this one hurts even more. because you were the closest family i had.

february ninth; 10:50p.m.

":( im sorry I wish I was there to give you a hug no matter how much makeup is streaming down your eyes i wouldn't care" ..so where were you that day when i cried harder than ever.? where makeup surely indeed stream down my face.? the day you broke my heart.?

february fourteenth; 11:06a.m.

"Yesssssss :) I will" ..you said you would be my valentine. what a waste.

february twenty-third; 10:21p.m.

"Palm to face you were always cute" ..maybe you still think this..who knows.

march ninth; 11:10p.m.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH EMMA I EFING LOVE YOU YOUR THE BEST GIRL FRIEND EVER YES I JUST SAID GIRL FRIEND .." ...if i'm the best, why did you let me go.?

can't get more simple than this.

      

  

because i hold you responsible.

"ya know that unconditional love

that God has for you? I kinda have

that for you."

- the old you

where's the truth is these words?
why would you say something,
so deep,
something you know I would hold close to my heart,
but not mean it?
because if you had this God like unconditional love for me,
there's no way in heaven,
this earth,
or hell,
that you would leave me.
God never abondons anyone.
EVER.
it's so pathetic for you to compare yourself,
to God.
especially,
failing at your attempt.
so I'm done dealing with your lies.
the way you played my heart.
you obviously never loved me.
especially in any unconditional way.
but it's honestly perfectly okay,
because I have God.
and he's the only one I need in my life,
filling me with unconditional love.

yes. i hold you responsible for breaking my heart and tearing me down. i hold you responsible for the tears that stained my face for the many weeks after you walked out of my life. you were more than just another person in my life. you were my BEST friend. and you knew that. you were my big BROTHER. you promised me that you would never leave me and you would always be there for me..and yet here we are..absent from eachother's lives because of you. and this is why i hold you responsible.

 but it's not all bad.

if it was not for you breaking my heart,

i would not be where i am.

you obviously didn't see the person i now am.

i'm not the same.

i'm so much better.

i'm still twisted and insane.

but you can't blame me for that.

i'm messed up in so many ways.

[and i thought you loved me anyways]

but i'm better.

all because of God.

He was there for me,

when you WEREN'T.

it took you abadoning me,

to realize that i don't need you.

all i need is God.

He's the only one you can rely on.

so i thank you.

and i hold you responsible.

no, i do not hate you.

in fact,

i love you like i always have.

because you did mean something to me.

did.

i still don't understand.

and i won't until you tell me.

but you're still on my mind.

constantly.

because i want you to be, where i am now.

with God.

then, maybe..just maybe.

you'll realize what you've done.

road number one.

after a good many minutes of searching through current blogs,

trying to get ideas of how to start this blog of mine,

i remembered;

this isn't about getting ideas from others,

this is about me.

the TRUTH.

my life.

and there's no better way to start it, 

but to tell of last nights adventures..

black and yellow 

that whole experience, was rather..interesting.

some random guy grabbed my butt.

then whistled.

not okay.

another guy asked me to dance..

but esther had two rules before i left the house in her dress..

1.)i was not allowed to get any stains on her dress..otherwise she'd kill me

2.)i was not allowed to dance with any guys..especially grinding.

so my decline to the guy was

"no, i don't dance with guys.."

he then walked away,

and i screamed after him

"but i'm not a lesbian.!"

but because my decline did indeed make me sound like one.

classic me,

not thinking before i speak.

ohhh,

and apparently i dance like a whore.

also not okay.

but i live by brilliant words said by a great friend of mine..

katie davis.

"when life hands you streamers, throw a freakin party you punk."

the streamers metaphorically equaled black and yellow.

the party? equaled my dancing.

and i just let it go baby.

just let it all go.♥

because i don't even care.

and i LOVE to stand out.