it's true..you really do learn something new everyday.

yesterday,

i learned a lot.

i learned how honest i can be.

and how that honesty hurts some people.

i learned how insulting it is when someone is so upfront..
like they don't give a crap about your feelings.

i learned that honesty can be a turn on,

but it can also very well be obnoxious. 

i learned that if someone is always honest with you,

half the time their words are gonna suck.

and i learned,

that i'm too honest.

alright;

so maybe i didn't learn all of that,

as if i never knew it before.

but it's not like i ever evaluated the truth behind those words.

i have this problem,

where i rarely take the time to stop and think

about everyone else.

but.

i'm working on it.

and i'm learning.

so thank you,

stephen.

for teaching me something.

or rather,

reminding me,

of a truth.

i'm sorry that i'm too much to handle.

and i'm too honest.

..but this is me..

i'm not saying i won't change.

i will.

i will change for the better.

but i'm not going to stop being honest.

and say what i think.

because that's part of who i am.

and i'm not going to hide behind someone i'm not.

someone full of lies.

• 
  

why didn't i learn? you were his best friend.

"I'm not one to do what I'm told.

I'm not one to just go with the flow.

I don't believe what people say;

I find the truth for myself.

so when they told me you're not worth it,

I brushed it off,

and did what I wanted.

I found it out the hard way,

that unfortunately they were right.

I set my standards for you too high,

because you shot way beneath my expectations.

you made me angry and bitter,

and wanting nothing to do with you.

this isn't how I wanted it to end,

but you did this to us.

you proved that I was wrong.

in believing in you.

believing in us.

I'm not one to wish to be wrong,

but in this instance,

I wish I was.."

this was written

3.29.11

yet,

it applies to my life; currently.

not exactly..

but rather close.

funny.

actually, hilarious.

♥

nothing lasts forever..

..and that's a hard fact to face.

i've learned this,

more often then not..

one minute, life is great

because you have an awesome best friend.

the next, it's not.

because he left your life.

one day,

you're completely content and happy, beyond compare

because you have an awesome guy in your life

that just simply brings a smile to your face.

the next day,

you're not.

because things just stopped.

for a second,

things were going better

and you actually had hope.

but then the fighting persists.

and it's right back to where it was.

but that's the roller coaster of life.

and you just gotta go with the flow.

but you can never give up.

because no matter how fast it ends,

or how rough the road is,

you can never stop having hope.

because everything happens for a reason.

this awful situation has a purpose.

it will make you stronger.

God has control.

you simply just have to understand that.

completely.

and you have to be okay with that.

completely.

and most importantly,

you have to trust Him.

completely.

"when the waves are taking you under

hold on just a little bit longer

He knows that this is gonna make you stronger, stronger

the pain ain't gonna last forever

in time it's gonna get better

believe me

this is gonna make you stronger"

-mandisa♥

that awkward moment

so much is running through my head right now.

i can't even grasp it all.

my chest has tightened,

and tears are filling my eyes.

it kinda sucks,

feeling like this.

wanting to cry,

but not over this.

not over such a person.

such a boy.

who left your life two months ago.

it completely and utterly and massively sucks.

all of this,

because of that awkward moment,

when you're on your other friends' facebook,

and you're glazing over the news feed,

and you come across his relationship update,

and it absolutely kills you.

we're not facebook friends for a reason.

but i had to see.

and it has to kill me!

why?

it wasn't even like that.

but to know that his life is changing,

and i know not a single detail,

i think that's what kills the most.

sucks.

really really sucks.

walk on streets of gold..

..and change the world, one complaint at a time.

i'm sick of wondering,

about who i am.

i'm done with the drama,

and words of hate.

i've just about given up,

on finding the family i long for.

i've had enough,

of being taken for granted.

i'm absolutely fed up,

with being talked over.

by looking at my heart and believing in myself,

my true identity will shine.

i'm going to speak words of life,

and change the world's view.

if i can't search for my dad,

i can pray for him.

i will make you miss me,

and i will never be pushed to the side again.

my words will not go unheard,

because i'll never let them be again.

i'm tired of not having the strength,

to push through my daily struggles.

but i will overcome my weakness through God.

as He gives me strength.

in every statement i make.

why can't i control MYSELF

i always mess things up.

i try so hard not to invest.

and then i do.

and then i get hurt.

it's the hard core truth.

and it sucks.

i told myself no,

and i went for you anyways.

it kinda sucks not getting what you want,

and not getting anywhere,

when you usually do.

lesson learned?

just say no.

and actually freaking mean it.

and the truth comes out

i've never been kissed.

simple as that.

pathetic?

ehhh.

i'm only surfacing this information

because i recently discussed this with a friend of mine.

it was a weird conversation

that ended with us both thinking

"why did we just have that conversation?"

at first

i was ashamed.

he tells me of all the girls he's kissed and been with

and i have nothing to show but a few 'relationships'

with no action.

but now,

i don't even care.

i'm proud of being that girl

who's never been kissed.

it doesn't even matter.

because when the time is right

and the person is right

the right thing will happen.